3 to 4 Packs a day.

I started smoking when i was 20.  I started because i was hanging out with people that smoked all the time, and they seemed to have everything together. I was missing things in my life, and decided that that void in my soul could be filled with smoking. SO, i started smoking. I smoked every second i had that was free. I didn't choke on the first one, infact I never choked on it. It was like it was something that came very natural to me. I started off pretty light, at about half a pack a day, but within the first week and a half i was up to a pack a day. The money was an issue, because i was, and always have been tight on cash. And I had many vices. Coffee, Drinking, Pills, and now smoking. I was the one person that had that addictive personality.  Smoking took a front seat to everything. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I started smoking 2 and 3 packs a day. It was what i was looking for. The nicotene callmed me down, and stopped the mental illness that was going on inside my head. I wasn't hurting anyone, so i thought. I was taking care of myself, smoking was taking care of myself. I stopped paying my bills, and started spending all my money on my vices, and my packs per day went up from 2 or 3, to 4. I smoked all day long, and all through the night. I didn't pay rent, bills, for food, to wash my clothes....i just smoked.

Finally a friend of mine held a mirror up to my face. They showed me what i had become. ANd i could not believe what i saw. My teeth were yellow. My skin was grey. My eyes were dull, and my breath was vicious. I was a shadow of a person.  All my focus was on getting my next fix on nicotiene, and alcohol. It took me a long time after realizing this, to stop. But i did finally one day decide that i would not smoke anymore. ANd i decided that every day, and then i would some how be smoking by the days end. I would pick out butts from the garbage, and from ash trays infront of department stores, and gas stattions...I hocked anything that i owned worth anything...just to get the next one. 

Two and a half years ago, Something in my brain told me that i was going to die.  I could barely breath, with much labor and a lot of coughing.  My energy level was in the toilet. I shook all the time. Once i finished a smoke, I was viciously searching for my next one.  i lost so many jobs, i can't count. But, I couldn't face not having my smokes, and alcohol. I didn't know how i would cope. I had used up every one that i knew, and no one was left to help me out. But i decided to stop them both. SO January 12th, 2006 I stopped drinking alcohol, and smoking cigarettes.  I thought i was crazy before...I really lost it after that. I ended up in the hospital, then a half way house In SLC. But I made it. I have not smoked in two and a half years. You would think that tthe craving would go away. but it never did. Just a wif of smoke, and the cravings really grab me from inside...and it is all i can do to not pick it up again. LIttle by little i have gotten help from health care professionals, and loved ones. But it was a long hard road. I smoked after everything. to celebrate, to mourn, and all the inbetween things. Smokeing was the answer. Now I play golf, or hang out with friends. I am in AA now, i have a sponsor, and i chair the saturday night meetings. I could never have done this completely on my own. Smokes were my worst vice...i hope i never smoke again. I really really hope i never ever do it again.